Validation

"He's always complaining about..."

"Let me interrupt you, Ellie," our therapist stopped my wife, "remember, talk to Drew, look at Drew, and use when you do x I feel y, language."

"Okay, okay," my wife taking a breath, looking at me. "Drew, when you beg me to unlock you it makes me feel invalidated."

"Invalidated?" I stammered.

"Drew," our therapist admonished me, "use validating language."

I sighed, looked at Ellie. "Ellie, I hear you saying that when I ask you to unlock the cage, you feel, um, invalidated."

"Yes," she said.

I swallowed. "W...why?"

"Because you...no...we...we agreed that I was in charge of deciding when to unlock it and when you pester me, I feel like I'm being pressured to do it when you want to, not when I want to."

"And...and you feel I'm pressuring you?"

"Every time you beg, yes."

"How often is that?" Dr. Lee asked.

"How often does he ask?"

"Or beg?" Dr. Lee said. "You have to be honest."

"Like almost every day," she said, not untruthfully.

"Drew?"

"It's been months," I said, "like almost six."

"five months, fourteen days," Ellie said softly.

"And?" Dr. Lee asked.

"I just feel like...I mean...medically..."

Dr. Lee held up her hand, stopped me. "We talked about this, Drew, there is no medical reason to contra indicate long term or indefinite chastity. So don't justify yourself based on any physical or mental needs."

"I just...she...I mean...when...when she goes out with...with him, when I can't...when I can't be with her, like...like that, I...I feel...inadequate."

"She won't let you be intimate with her?"

"Yes," Ellie said, "of course. Every time."

"Not...not like him," I said.

"Which is what this is really about, isn't it. You're intimate with her, you make love to her, just not in a typical male way."

"Exactly," I said. 

Ellie, can you acknowledge his feelings?"

Ellie nodded, looked at me. "I guess I hear you saying when I'm with him, sexually, you feel less masculine if you're intimacy is different than his."

"Yes!"

"Do you enjoy it? The intimacy you have with her?" Dr. Lee asked me.

"I...I suppose," I mumbled.

"Ellie's mentioned several times you're quite...enthusiastic, especially lately." Dr. Lee looked at her notes. "Since, what did I write down, since Valentine's Day."

"I...I suppose," I said, face red.

"What happened then? Why the enhanced enthusiasm?"

"I...I don't know," I lied.

"Ellie?" Dr. Lee said.

Ellie blushed too. "We...we stopped using condoms," she said softly.

"You did?" Dr. Lee asked with a sly smile. "Drew, you're intimacy, Ellie said it's ever time...intimacy...like every time she sees him?"

"Y...yes," I said, face red.

"Like what's the time frame? Later in the week? Next day?"

"Like when I get home," Ellie said a bit too helpfully.

"And this intimacy? This is what? Cuddling? Kissing and hugging?"

"I...I guess," I said.

"And more I presume? You're intimate in other ways, too?"

"S...some," I said.

"Well you're obviously embarrassed, that's okay. Ellie, I presume the intimacy involves oral lovemaking? Cunnillingus?"

"Yes," Ellie answered with a guilty smile as my embarrassment deepened.

"And you're no longer using condoms?"

"No," Ellie shook her head.

"So he's enthusiastically performing orally on you after you've had unprotected sex?"

"You could say that," Ellie chuckled. 

"And this makes you...happy?"

I glanced at Ellie, saw her blush. "Yes," she whispered.

"Drew, you understand, don't you, how this brings you two together as a couple? How a husband reclaiming his wife like that can be the ultimate act of love, acceptance, and intimacy? Instead of shunning her after she's been with her boyfriend, you welcome her back into your loving home and literally lick clean the aftereffects?"

"I...I just..."

"You understand how she doesn't have to be ashamed she's taken a boyfriend because you accept it in the most loving way you can."

"I just...I want..."

"It's the cage, Drew, that's what brought you to this breakthrough. Denied the traditional masculine role, you instead accept, willingly, even eagerly, a different, submissive, supportive role."

"But I..."

"Ellie, I don't want to tell you what to do," Dr. Lee said, "but it's my professional opinion you should stay the course. There no medical reason to not continue with indefinite chastity, but emotionally, indeed, for the good of your marriage, I'd say it's critical to continue as you are."