Conversations about Evan, Past and Present

A man Emily and I can't escape, a man who's name runs through our relationship. I've been reading old posts of mine from Karrie's Korner and each mentioning his name bring back memories. Memories and questions. I showed them to Emily and we talked and reminisced. And I had questions. 

He really is a through line through our relationship, pre-dating it, coming and going to it and from it, finally returning to it in a significant way, as not just the man in Emily's life, but the man in our lives.

Re-reading what I posted about them in 2009 made me sit up, look at her. "You were vague back then," I said.

"Vague?"

"I didn't know back then whether you slept with him," I said.

"I know," she answered, "you liked the tease."

"But you...when you visited him...when he visited you..."

"What?"

"Did you?"

"Did I what, love?" she asked.

"Emily...sleep with him?"

She looked at me. "You've always known," she said.

I pondered that. "I suppose," I said. I thought for a moment. "When did he last..."

"Sleep with me? Let's see, how long ago was Sept..."

"No," I interrupted her, "not that...when did he last...you know...try to...I don't know the words I'm looking for. When did he last try to win you over."

"Oh, there's irony in that," she smiled.

"What do you mean."

"Well, you're not concerned about when he last had me...sexually...you're worried about when he last tied to take your place."

"One thing makes me jealous in an erotic way. The other thing is...it's not..."

"When we were on a break," she said, touching my leg to calm me. The when we were on a break referred to the only time in the last seventeen years we were not together; it referred to an almost three-month period we kind of broke up in 2008. 

It was just a phase we went through, no more than a blip when we look back on it, but it was significant then.

"You were with him when we were on a break?" I asked, almost feeling hurt, ironic since the man we were talking about was my wife's current boyfriend. My feelings were not hurt when she went to him now, but something about years ago felt painful.

"No, actually, that's what's ironic," she said, "I went to visit him when we were on our break because I was upset and wanted to talk to him. I went to him not for sex, but for comfort. He wanted more; I think he thought that was his chance, but it was ironic because that was when I really understood it was you, it had to be you, it always had to be you. It was with him that weekend I picked you. I mean, we got back together like two weeks later. It's ironic because while I was at his place, while he was trying to sleep with me is when I knew you were the person I wanted."

"He wanted you," I said.

"Yes," she said, "and I have to admit while we were at dinner, I was confused, but there was like a moment of clarity later. At dinner I was hurt, confused. He was comfortable. We were at his place and I'd changed for bed into something pretty, something I'd wear for him now. And he was "tucking me in" and made his move and all I could think about was you. Here was this man I thought I was going to sleep with and all I could think about was you."

"You didn't sleep with him?"

"We talked for awhile and I may have fallen asleep with him sitting there, but we didn't have sex. Not then, not that weekend, no. I told him no, I told him I loved you, I told him I wanted to be with you, that you were my person. I told him I cared for him, always had, probably always would, but that I didn't love him, that I love you."

"And he was good with that?"

"Evan good with not sleeping with me, ha! No, I mean, obviously he wanted to have sex and obviously he thought it was his chance. But he respected it."

"But later..."

"That's what's ironic, isn't it. Later when I visited him, it was Memorial Day in 2009; and when he visited, later that summer, yes. But it was because I picked you and was comfortable. I knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I liked him...like him...but I couldn't have sex with him when he thought it was part of he and I getting together."

I thought about it. "Did you miss him those years...when he was...married."

"Yes, but not like I missed you those few months we were on a break. I always had feelings for Evan, then and now, but I never loved him. I never felt about him like I felt and feel about you."

"And when you're with him now?"

"I love it...being with him...I don't love him."

"I have to ask...if he wanted more?"

"Sara...you know the answer to that...you...always you. He knows, too. And I think he's earned our trust, hasn't he?"

I smiled. "I suppose that's why I like him."

"Same."

"Why didn't you just tell me back then? That you slept with him?"

"Because you liked the ambiguity," she said. "The tease. That was our thing back then, the tease was the thing. Besides, I always assumed you just assumed."

"I suppose I did. And now?"

"You like having him in our lives," she smiled.

"Yes," I said. "It's almost like...I don't know...yes."