State of the Marriage

We had a "relationship check-in" when Emily got home from Austin, a "state of the marriage" talk. Just sitting down, a bottle of wine, open communication. We do that from time to time. At least annually on our anniversary, but usually several times a year when one of us tells the other we want to have one.

Emily wanted to have one and, when she suggested it, so did I (given my thoughts over the last several days). I jotted down some notes Monday morning when it was fresh in my mind, so here goes the recap, as best as I can remember it. 

She started, declared, basically, that the felt the state of our marriage was strong, stronger than it had ever been, and that she couldn't be happier. "I think I know how you feel about things, but it's good to talk about it, but this is the perfect relationship for me and I feel in such a good place," she said.

"I couldn't be happier either, Em," I assured her, honestly. I know it would be difficult for many to understand, but her time away with Evan brings us closer. Evan in her life brings us closer. It may be fucked up to many people (most), but it's the truth of our world.

I mean, my wife of over ten years just spent five days and four nights with a man; he was inside her more in those five days than I've been inside her in the last five years. And I've never felt closer to her. It's strangely natural, especially the effort in making everything smooth for her (arranging transportation, taking care of everything at home when she was gone, helping her back, etc.) All of it increases our intimacy by leaps and bounds. Emotionally, I couldn't feel closer to her.

"I assumed," she smiled at me. "I'm sure it isn't easy all the time for you to be secure in a relationship like this, especially since in my life meeting needs you can't or don't want to, but it makes me happy. I get a female led relationship at home with a chance to 'step out' when I need a man to take charge."

"I never wanted to be that kind of partner," I said, "taking charge, making decisions. I'd rather you do that."

"I know, love, I know; I like it...love it, actually. I get to call the shots at home, to make the decisions for our family. I like having the final say in our everyday decisions. I like having a partner who focuses on emotionally supporting me and our family."

"I like that you listen to me," I said. "That's important to me. To listen. But at the end of the day, I don't want to to make the decisions; I'm glad I don't have to. I'm a follower, not a leader. I don't want to. I just want to be listened to and appreciated."

"I know," Emily said, touching my leg. "And I guess what means the most to me is that you then accept my lead. Obviously not just in there," she pointed to the bedroom, "but everything...the budget, our social life, doing chores I ask, raising our daughter. I like that you let me be me, the leader. I'm not a follower in day to day life."

I smirked. 

"What?" she asked.

"Em, that's what makes me happy, too. That I don't have to make tough decisions because you took care of them; that I don't have to worry about the responsibility, you have that. I like that we don't have to fight about mundane things."

"I like that you work so hard to please me and support me," she took my hand.

"Isn't that what a...well...wife is supposed to do."

She smiled. "Yes," she said. "What about in there?" She pointed to the bedroom again. "I'm not too selfish? I'll admit it seems one-sided." She looked at the front of the lace trimmed, silk pajamas I was wearing. I knew what she was thinking even if it was hidden in the folds of the fabric, what was denied, what was surrendered, what was kept safely locked away.

"It's better this way, I really think it is."

"I worry you're missing something."

"I'm not. I mean I am missing something, but I don't want that. I don't want to be thinking of that, that's me focused, not you focused. I was never cut out to wear the pants in the family, to use a phrase. I was never comfortable in a traditional male role. You know that."

"Sometimes I think I should unlock it more often; I never minded playing with it, it's cute, it's gotten more so. I like it...all small and soft...it's cute, it turns me on like that."

"That's up to you," I said, meaning it. "I don't think about it, I don't fantasize about it, I just trust you'll do what's right for us."

"You mean that, don't you?"

I thought about the last time she unlocked it, how it stayed soft, how she told me it turned her on when I didn't swell. "Yes, Emily, I'm always happy with it. Why wouldn't I want this? I love you, I always have, and I get to be led by you, to serve you, to support you. I get to be...to serve in the role I want to serve in."

"Supporting me."

"Supporting you."

"Evan..."

"Supporting that, too," I said. "I...I'm comfortable in that role, it...it obviously brings us closer together."

"Is there anything...I mean...anything I should..."

"No," I said. "I mean it."

"Calling him my boyfriend? Calling myself his girlfriend? It's not too much?"

I looked down, bit my lip. "It's like it's recognizing what it is," I said. "It's what he is and what you are, right, so saying it isn't declaring it, it's acknowledging it. There's a difference."

"I know," she took my hand, "the question is are you okay with that? That I don't just have a lover, that I have a boyfriend, that he's something more?"

"Yes, actually. Especially since it's him. Someone else, maybe not. But him, yes. I mean, it helps that he doesn't live here," I said, "there's a natural limit."

She smirked. "I know."

"Like you talk and text all that, but that's not every day and his actual time with you is not regular. And to be honest, it's been something more with him for a long, long time."

"It's always been like that. Remember, even way back. He's never tried to monopolize me, never tried to pull me away from you, to push you out. There was a time way back when I think he thought he wanted more but that was then, before you. He made his play, it never happened that way. Was never meant to be. We may have been close, way back then, but it was never going to go beyond that, it was never going to be what we have."

"You're sure."

"Yes," she said. "It's mutual. We have our family, that's our core. Me, you, her. I like having him in my life, I always have. When he wasn't, I guess I realize how much I missed it. I mean, he was married, obviously that didn't work out...and now he's not and ever since the wedding in Nashville...it's like something that was missing is now back and it makes me happy."

"Having a boyfriend."

"Having Evan as my boyfriend. He's not like Matthew. He's not like Jeff. He's Evan."

"Your boyfriend."

"At least I'm honest about it," she smiled. "He likes it. The title. It makes things stable. He's my boyfriend, not just a man I fuck. I'm his girlfriend, not just someone he's messing around with. It doesn't imply permanency, not like we have it's just stability. It sets expectations. We've known each other for so long, expectations help."

"Expectations."

"Like there are times I'm his, but I always return to you."

"Like Austin."

"Like Austin," she said. "I was his for the four nights I was there, I let him be the man, to make the decisions, to lead. It's something."

"Not love."

"Never love," she said. "I'm not going to lie and say we don't have a connection. I've known him longer than I've known you. But it's not this, never was, never will me. Boyfriend...that's it."

"Boyfriend."

"Boyfriend," she said.

"Boyfriend," I repeated.

"What's a boyfriend?" she smiled. "A man a woman's in a romantic or sexual relationship with. I mean...that's him, isn't it? That's what he is, my boyfriend. I guess it's a commitment thing."

I nodded. "Yes."

"It's really a commitment by all of us."

"You can't fall in love with him," I said, voicing the fear anyone in my situation would have.

"No," she said. "There's an emotional connection, but it's not love. It will never be love. This is love. He's my boyfriend, not my partner, not my soulmate, not by best friend."

"I just don't want him pushing for more."

"I know. He knows, too. That happened a long time ago, he pushed for more but I don't think he really wanted it. That door shut. I want him as my boyfriend; I want to be his girlfriend, I don't want this. I don't want to be a family with him, I don't want to grow old with him."

"He's your lover...without the love part."

She smiled. "That makes him my boyfriend," she said. "That's why I'm so happy. I have my true lover, you, and I have my boyfriend. Look at it like this, me having a boyfriend is only a risk to our relationship if our relationship was already at risk, right?"

I thought about that for a moment. "I suppose," I said. 

"Setting Evan aside, are we at risk?"

"No," I said, "not at all."

"If he's my boyfriend, it's because we committed to him, both of us. Knowing he's my boyfriend, knowing I'm his girlfriend, he'll feel more comfortable committing to us...like three-way trust. It's like...I don't know..."

"What?" I asked her.

"If there are emotional bonds, and I think we'd be lying to ourselves if we said there were not, he's invested in the relationship, he's got...skin in the game."

"Your skin," I teased her.

"You trusted me to turn off my find my phone thing in Austin, right?"

"Yes," I nodded. "I assumed he'd take care of you."

"You trusted he'd take care of me. You didn't assume, you trusted. You'd never trust some random guy like that."

"Of course not."

"But you trusted Evan. I trusted him. We trusted him because he's my boyfriend, because he's been in my life for so long. He's got skin in the game. I'm not some random hookup, I'm his girlfriend. You trusted him because you trusted a boyfriend to protect his girlfriend."

"Jesus, Emily."

"I'm right."

"Yea," I said.

"I like him as my boyfriend much better now, married to you, than I would have fifteen years ago. I have a life partner, he knows that. I like him as my boyfriend knowing that's he role. Not trying to audition as my husband, but just being my boyfriend. The question is are you happy with that."

"As much as it makes my stomach flip, I am," I said. "I trusted him when you were in Austin."

"Because he's my boyfriend. That's his role. Boyfriend. I'm his girlfriend but I'm your wife. Those are my roles."

"It's weird to say, still, to think about. You have a boyfriend."

She smiled. "You like it," she said, "that I have a boyfriend. And I think you like that it's Evan. You like knowing I'm his girlfriend."

"I love you," I blurted out.

She smiled. "And I love you."

I thought of a conversation I had with Tanya while Emily was gone. "We should talk about..."

"Ground rules?" she read my mind.

"I hate when you do that," I said. 

She tilted her head, smiled. "I know he gets it, but I need to vocalize it. He can't ever make me pick between you and him. You have that power, because I'll pick you. I might be disappointed, but I'll always pick our family. He knows it, but I want to make it explicit."

"Thank you," I squeezed her hand. "My biggest fear is he'll want more and will try to push me out."

"I don't think he will, but it's fair to make that clear to him."

"No love." I thought to something Tanya said. "He can't say it, neither can you."

"I know," she said. "And I agree."

"You can be his girlfriend, but you only get to love me."

"Sweetie," she touched my face. "And agreed. Remember what I said earlier, I don't feel like our marriage has ever been stronger. Strange as it seems, he makes us closer."

"Family first," I said.

"Family first. But I owe him expectations. If he's going to be my boyfriend, he's entitled to expectations."

"I know, I thought about it. Four nights was a long time, that shouldn't be an expectation."

"What should be?" she asked.

I was afraid she was going to put it that way, but the opening gambit on me. "How about extremes? Several times a month is too much, once a year, I recognize, isn't enough."

"Fair enough," she said, "but he doesn't expect that, several times a month. What's a happy medium? I mean, clearly having him in our life brings us closer, so what's the right balance?"

I'd been thinking about it since I emailed with Tanya. What was the right balance? I knew what my gut said, so just said it. "A weekend every couple of months. Like Friday to Sunday. A couple of nights every couple of months."

She smiled. "I think he'd like that," she said. 

"It's not an entitlement, if our life gets in the way..."

"Of course," she said. "It's not a floor or a ceiling...it's a guide."

"Did he ask for less?" I asked.

"A weekend every other month give or take is very generous, love," she said. "Can I ask for a modification?"

"Yes," I said.

"Austin was delightful. Florida was delightful. I'm not saying this is set in stone, but one longer trip a year?"

"Austin was as long...like a week would be too much."

"I agree," she said. "Five days, four nights once a year."

"I nodded. Not to interfere with family vacation."

"Never," she said. "I mean that. How about this, every other month or so for a weekend and a longer trip once a year if it works out. He can expect the first and hope for the second."

"That, that sounds reasonable," I said.

"And phone calls/texting in between? We check in now and then, but it isn't regular."

"It shouldn't be," I said. "I mean, it's good now, but I wouldn't want you turning to him to talk about your day every day."

"No, I think that's too intimate...that's your lane."

"Hot sex is his lane, emotions are mine?" I said with a small laugh.

"Yea, kind of. Listen, it sounds like I'm negotiating, I'm not. I want expectations for all of us. But we're setting them. He can have his input, but we're the ones setting the boundaries. I'm sure he'll nibble on the edges, he's a man, but the decision is mine, so ours."

"Mostly yours," I said, thinking of something Tanya said. I rarely say no.

"Maybe, but you need to be honest with me. I always take you into account. Always. I walked away from Jeff without a second thought when he stepped out of his lane."

"He wasn't Evan."

"No, he wasn't. But our family always comes first."

"Says the woman with a boyfriend," I said

She chuckled. "That's the last thing...texting and phone calls, totally agree. What about..."

"What about what?"

"Sexting or a naughty phone call?"

"Am I there?" I blurted out.

She nodded. "He doesn't have to know. I mean I'm not saying to hide it, but when he's been on the phone before telling me what he wants to do with me and you're there licking me, well, it's like, I mean..."

"Yea," I said, knowing just what she meant.

"When we were in bed Saturday night, you were so...I was sore...you were so tender...so loving...so gentle...licking me...cleaning me."

"Emily," I moaned softly.

"During the week when I was with him I thought about him, pleasing him, cuming with him..."

"Emily," I swallowed.

She leaned over, kissed me. "But Saturday...when he was inside me on Saturday...I was thinking about you...coming home to you...bring it home to you."

"Oh, god, Em..."

"I was on my knees, I didn't want to see him because I wanted to think about you, and I reached behind and played with him...he likes that...it makes him so...eager."

"Ummmffff," I moaned.

"He came so hard, collapsed on top of me, and I just kept pushing my ass up, making sure I got every bit of him inside me I could. And when he finally started to pull out, I reached back and held him and made him take his time so he rubbed his cum all over my lips. That's all I thought about on the ride to the airport, on the plane, getting home and having you tend to me."

"I love you," I said.

"And I love you," she said.

Like I said, our emotional intimacy couldn't be higher. The same with our peculiar type of physical intimacy. While I may no longer be with her in the traditional way, our physical intimacy, which is an expression of emotional intimacy, if very satisfying. Every time she's with him, I feel a stronger pull to her, feel more in love with her, feel more drawn to take care of her and pamper her.