Evan - A Tanya Conversation

 

In response to Evan - Making Love, Tanya and I had an email exchange she said I could share (it gives insight and further explanation of my feelings.

From Tanya:

Great blog as always. How did you feel when Emily admitted to "making love" rather than having sex ?

When you think about it, its obvious after rekindling their affair nearly 4 years ago.

What I love about Emily is her total openness and honesty about what she and Evan do together. However her genuine love and concern is totally for you Sara. Lovely that she prefers the foreplay before actual PIV with you.

Sissies like us have always preferred foreplay to actual sex. Alpha males only really want sex and don't concentrate on pleasing girls as we do.

Only 1 more night before Sara home. Hang in there darling.

I hope Emily gets to read our emails.

My response:

Hello Tanya,

As you pointed out, it is rather obvious, isn't it. I mean, they are not just "sex buddies" (Matthew), it really is an affair. As in, it's not just about sex, it's an actual romantic relationship. I suppose it could never have been just sex; there is too much history between them. As I've said, their feelings for one another predate me. 

So I know (really, should have known, should have thought about) that they don't have sex. That they actually make love. 

I suppose I think of sex as something purely physical, without any emotional component, impersonal. They may have had sex like that (may have sex like that), but it's beyond that and probably always was. There are emotions. There is actual intimacy. They connect with one another (it's "natural"). 

All that said, it was a stark conversation to actually say it. It has been rattling around in my brain, but it's the first time I voiced it to her. And she agreed. They don't just have sex, they make love.

It must be a risk all cuckolds face--their wife having feelings for her lover. Their wife developing an intimate connection with her lover. But it wasn't just a risk, here, it was a certainty. Probably from the beginning.

So I suppose I always accepted that, accepted she has actual, real feelings for Evan, and maybe even loves him in a way. 

But it's still difficult to hear her actually say it. How do I feel? Jealous, but not betrayed. Angst, but not hurt. Why? Because she's honest about it. If she lied or hid things, I couldn't bear it. If she said it was "just sex" when it's clearly not, I don't think I could handle it. So in a way, her admitting they make love actually makes the jealousy and angst bearable. And in a way, almost pleasurable. 

Perhaps it is the yin and yang of Evan and me. She literally prefers foreplay to sex with me (we've had PIV sex three times in seven years if I count correctly). Like, PIV sex is just something we don't do. It's rarely talked about, asked for, or offered (three times in seven years and the last time was literally me putting my clit inside her, her not moving, and me squirting...hardly the PIV sex of dreams). Anyway, our sex, what she wants, is all foreplay. Literally I focus on pleasing her. She'll milk me. She'll use a dildo on me, but those are just bonuses when she's in the mood for that. Everything else is me serving her with zero expectation of my own release. Our sex is all about Emily. She finds tremendous pleasure in this as do I. As a sissy, foreplay is sex. 

To Evan's yin...PIV sex is sex. Giving him blowjobs is sex (I've literally never had one and would actually turn it down). Foreplay isn't sex (it's done) because he wants to fuck her. I'm not saying he's selfish because he knows god how he can make her cum when he fucks her, but it's like he thinks of himself first. I know, how alpha.

So I feel jealousy, angst, and I'm a hot mess. But she's 100% honest and loves me more than she loves him. Loves our daughter and our family. I know it's weird to say about a woman who's having an affair with a man (sexually and emotionally and probably loves him in a way) but Emily is 100% loyal to our family. Alway has been. I tell people I love her totally for the guidance she gives me, for her devotion and loyalty to her family, and because she makes me a better person. I get all that. He gets great sex.

You often ask how or why he puts up with this. Sometimes I am not sure. I think he's happy, I really do. But I know if he ever asked her to pick him or me, she'd pick me. She'd be sad if he made her pick, but she'd pick me and B.

Love,

Sara